A brilliant day...

...a day of many connections. Only one was planned and the other three simply happened. People I trust, who look out for me and I, them. There was so much love..and lovin'. Some scary, risk-taking delicious conversations creating even deeper intimacy. There were moments I'd only barely imagined. I was incredibly honored how one could show share his most wounded self with me, and I with them.

Perfect. Powerful. Amazing. I'm still in awe.

And am so very blessed.

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In addition it was a painting day. Here is today's mess.


This is kinda how it works...

The first photo is a painting from two weeks ago...30"x40". It was the 3rd session...and really bad. This week I went in and greyed out the color so it wasn't sherbet-y, although still light. The color felt better, but everything else was gross.

Today, after it dried, I went back in and changed it up. That's the second photo. It feels better than all the earlier generations, but it still falls way short. I honestly don't know if I can make this composition work. If in the next few days I can't...then it will become an entirely different painting.

I have a difficult time with painting bigger but refuse to let it defeat me. One day, I'll have a big painting that carries the energy of a smaller one.

Jpegs really bite because they dismiss the subtleties of light and the texture of paint. Just sayin'...

It's Thursday and I look forward to a weekend of painting and working on more book illustrations.

Now that I have the left side of the studio in addition to the right, I did a little reshuffling last weekend. I moved the love seat to the left and the drawing table in front of the window on the right. Grouping furniture together has dramatically changed the feel of the space, creating a comfy, conversation spot. The physical separation between rest and practice has also become mental and emotional. It's perfect. I'm on the lookout for a small, inexpensive area rug to place under the coffee table and make it even cozier. At some point, I'd like to have curtains as well, not to cover my fab windows but to frame them and offer a little more stillness.





This is what I've been working on since last week. It really is a joy to return to the discipline of paint. The canvases are 18"x24".




And here is one of the newer ones still in progress...

I've been internally and externally busy. My shrink has been pushing me to face death. When he has a client who he knows can go to those places...he'll take you there. Intense doesn't even begin to cover it.

Back into my painting discipline which feels so good and at the same time can be scary, harsh and unsettling. It's the nature of the beast. I have a handful of new work that is very exciting and yes...terrifying. It's forcing me to really trust myself.

In addition, I've begun playing with my images which has opened up a cauldron containing a wealth of ideas.

A different way of painting...

It's time to schedule my mammogram and my first ever bone density scan.

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This week's Freewill Astrology

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My favorite funny HUMP! video of all time is up on the web. Check out "Beyond Gay", the 5 minute film along with an interview of the director Lynn Shelton here at Indie Wire.

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And for the hottest damned thing I've ever seen on film:

For those who know me, you know that I'm bored by 99% of porn out there. It doesn't matter if it's pervy or not. There is lots of mediocre (to me) s/m porn. Vanilla and kink each has its own sexual inventory and that's what gets used. Over and over. And over again. And again.

Titillation (for me) happens with out of the box thinking. Creativity. Imagination. It pushes me to use all my senses, not only my eyes. And...mystery is incredibly sexy.

I saw a short film at HUMP! this year that, while watching, I could feel an orgasm building. At one point I slapped my hand over my mouth to quiet my groans. Many folks weren't crazy about the film. Some were and also thought it was brilliant. A few thought it was sexy and others just saw it as a gorgeous piece of art footage.

But, it combined art, grittiness, horror, simplicity, and in that...much beauty. It fed my eyes, my soul, my belly, my ears. My hands longed to touch, my nose and mouth craved to smell and taste the piss. My cunt throbbed and hungered.

It surprised me in all the best of ways.

A few weeks ago I found out that it's for sale. It's actually a 10 minute film for purchase that was edited to 5 for HUMP! On the website, you can see the first 3 minutes, which were not shown at the screening. Some of the extra juicy stuff isn't in this clip but check out Incubus.

I know it's not to everyone's taste...but it's my kind of freak.

Today I saw a white pigeon.

and

Mailed out a couple packages.
Productive painting day.
Good gin and tonics.
Fun bartender.
Great sushi.
Wonderful company.

The story of the drawing board...

Last week, at Art Walk in my building, I was speaking with another artist who had wandered into our space. We spoke for a long time. He was ragged, unkempt, and through our conversation, I discovered he was homeless. Living on the streets and trying to do his art. He was holding his beloved drawing board. When I closed up the studio I noticed he had left his board leaning against the corner of my work table. My heart sank because I knew it meant a lot to him. All I had was a first name.

I shot this photo of his board and was going to print it out and hang it on our bulletin board in the lobby of our 619 building, hoping he may come by. The entrances to the floors are all locked, but the front door is unlocked. Tonight, Eric and I hit a couple galleries on Cap Hill for their art walk. As we were leaving for the night, I caught a glimpse of someone sitting on the ground, next to a gallery entrance. I didn't pay attention until I heard a voice talk to people in front of us. "Want to buy some art?"

For some unknown reason, I just knew it was Aaron. I turned and it was him!

"I'm Marie and you left your drawing board in my studio last week."
"Oh I love that board and didn't know where I left it. Thank you!"

We set up a time for him to pick up his board tomorrow. He mentioned that he was really bummed when he lost it because that particular drawing board meant a lot to him. And I'm so relieved that it will be returned to him.
Who woulda thunk?

I've had 6 days straight in the studio. Working. Struggling. Painting. Today, I broke through to something new. This direction excites me. It's not what I had in mind, but that was the problem. I was attempting to do something creative with my head instead of my heart. In letting go, three paintings were born and they feel good. They flowed.

Tomorrow I may feel differently about this one, but right now, I'm excited.

No time for an entry. Just a photo.

See ya!

After a week and a half, I'm finally feeling physically better. Still emotionally and creatively shaky, but both weekend days had studio time which ultimately is good, even if it doesn't feel so in the moment. Today and tomorrow are very full workdays, but I'm taking vacation time the remainder of the week. I have over 20 hours of vacation time to use or lose before the new year.

Thus far I'm back on track for daily painting including today and tomorrow, even if it's only a half hour or so due to full work days.

Last week while in the throes of being sick, my painting statement came to me when I realized I've been exploring grief in paint. Coming up with a statement has been a year long struggle (that I've attempted to show patience to)...and out of the blue, there it was. Now to find the words but I won't rush that process. It'll happen.


Slowly, I'm working on rebuilding trust. Trust in myself. My intuition. It took a huge hit, and time hasn't eased it. In the last few months it's affected my painting. Part of that is because it's been so busy (vacation, work, sick) that my regular practice was derailed. Not going in everyday has left me feeling inept. Vacation was good. Spending time in a place that wasn't tainted with the hurts of the last 8 years was needed and healing on some level. Work...well, sometimes work will get crazy. It is what it is. I still love my job. Actually, still feel blessed and in awe that I work where I work and with some amazing people.

But the painting is unsettling. I go in. Paint. And then have no idea what to do to them. What is most disturbing is the fear. When I get to a certain point, I'm then afraid to make changes. So I begin another one, as I did again yesterday.

Also yesterday I took photos of the stuck pieces. Sometimes, when I can look at them as a jpeg, away from the studio, something will come to me.

I hope to get my bearings back.
I miss me. The brave me.

Today consisted of studio time although there was more staring than painting. It takes energy to be courageous and seeing energy has been in short supply, I don't know how to go into my work and make it better. It all feels overwhelming.

So instead, I cleaned, prepped a couple new canvases and took photos of the shadows in the space.

This morning's memorial procession for Seattle's slain policer officer, Timothy Brenton, began at UW, down Montlake to 23rd, up E Madison, down to Pine, Broadway, Denny and to Key Arena. You can click on the photo to make it bigger. Although it was my day off, I went into the office for a few hours and happened to catch this as it went past our building. It took over a half hour...hundreds of law enforcement vehicles. I noticed some were from Idaho, various parts of British Columbia, Eugene Or and even Missoula, MT.

Honestly, it was a poignant experience. My eyes filled with tears. People had lined up on the street, creating an environment of hushed respect. There was even a certain Buddhist priest I know, in his robes, standing on the next corner in a prayerful state.

Overnight, into this morning the weather was wild. We had hail, very high winds, pelting rains and even the rare Seattle thunderstorm. Oddly, just before the procession began the skies lightened, the rain stopped and the sun even came out for a bit.

It was a surreal morning.


P.S. if anyone wants to bitch about an excessive display, please take it somewhere else. I don't have the patience for it today. I myself am holding conflicting feelings. There is some uncomfortableness alongside great empathy for not only the family but for Officer Sweeney, a rookie and partner of the slain officer, who was sitting next to Officer Brenton and was shot as well. So...I'm just going to let it all exist together.


Surreal indeed.

Tonight is art walk.

I still have yet to work a full day. One nasty thing about this flu-whatever thingy is how it kicks your ass even when the other symptoms are gone.

There are 5 in progress paintings and so I hung them on my second wall. If I have any energy, I want to be there for the 1st hour. We'll see.

I must be feeling a little better because I've held off on this entry for about a week and a half.

This page is how I noodle with doodles.

A couple Sundays ago, Bill and I spent an afternoon at the Henry. While in the Vortexhibition Polyphonica exhibit, a piece captivated me. It was a work by Paul Kos, titled "Not If But When"...a series of cuckoo clocks on the wall and each pair of balanced weights were replaced with a hammer and sickle. The clocks would go off periodically.

After staring, staring, walking away, returning and staring some more, I plopped down on the floor, leaned against the wall and grabbed my Henry flyer because I didn't have any other paper. I was fascinated by the dangling objects.

Then I began thinking of some of Jim Dine's work, and Jasper Johns, especially his Lightbulb show that was in the next room. Juan Sanchez Cotan also came to mind.

I was thinking about my rectangle paintings which have been in a holding pattern. Thinking about dangling things...physically, emotionally...

So I doodled. Fast. Furious.

I don't know where these will go, but once my strength has returned, I look forward to further exploration.

The little squares on the bottom half of the page happened after, when I returned to the Mapplethorpe Polaroid exhibit. My hand still wanted to move and so I sat on a bench in the middle of the room and just captured the lights and darks in each small Polaroid.

I'm truly sorry for what happened in Maine. It is heart-breaking. And for us in WA State, it's still too close to tell. It's a long haul.

There is a good article in this morning's Seattle Times that I find inspiring.

From Right here, right now, history is incubating:

"The take-away: The gay-rights movement has won over to its side 10 to 12 percent of this state in the past dozen years.

That's about 1 percent per year. That may not seem like much. But
sweeping political change occurs when the center 5 or 10 percent shifts
to the other side"

Read the whole thing here.

Today....go VOTE! And you have until the end of today to mail in your ballot.

For Seattle, vote YES on R71 and NO on 1033.
And here are some links with election endorsements:

FUSE Progressive Voters Guide

SEAMEC

The Stranger's Election endorsements

I've been sick since last Tuesday night. Flu-type stuff.
Today, I'm still home recuperating. Most of the symptoms have disappeared but have been replaced by massive exhaustion. Ginger ale, saltines, sinus drugs and some homemade chicken soup from good friends have really helped.

Regarding painting, October has been a lost month. First, 2 1/2 weeks were devoted to work which left no extra art energy. Then a couple days where I went in and painted, to then get sick. This Thursday night is art walk and I don't expect to make it. I'll get to the studio to clean my space so my studio mates can open, but it may be more prudent if I stay in.

This morning, the Slog linked to this cartoon. Loony Tunes has always been one of my favorites. I haven't seen this piece since I was little. The composition and drawing is really wonderful.

What's Opera, Doc (WB-Chuck Jones, 1957)
by dephaad

Happy Halloween...

Although work is still pretty busy, I think I'm back on track for studio time. Yesterday afternoon was the first time in what feels like weeks, where I returned to the studio after work and painted. It was good...and with an added bonus.

There is an artist on my floor whom I highly respect. We don't see each other very often but when we do and have the time, we'll each share our stuff with the other, including asking for advice and opinions. We hadn't seen each other in almost two months.

Yesterday, while painting, I had my door open and he popped his head in. He's wonderfully respectful of painting time and checked in a couple time to make sure he wasn't interrupting me. We spent a good half hour looking at and discussing each other's work. It was time very well spent. And it didn't hurt that the painting I'd been struggling with was beginning to come together.

I enjoyed an apple in the studio and then when I returned home, it was after 7pm and I didn't want a heavy supper. So I opted for one more apple, a piece of cheese and glass of milk. It was perfect.

After being derailed by the day gig for the last month, it is a return to the discipline of daily studio time. It's good for my heart.

Another from yesterday's time in Volunteer Park's conservatory.

It really is a magical place...

From the dahlia garden at Volunteer Park...

Volunteer Park conservatory with Bill.

Scrolling thru the Urban Sketchers site yesterday I found this...little watercolor travel kit in an Altoids tin.

I was in awe of the size of the kit. Absolutely captivated. Showing it to a few friends, they were more enthralled with the amount of color that could be mixed from only three colors.

Thinking about it I realized that I tend to do the same. My palette consists primarily of...yes, primaries. This practice goes back about 15 years. Ultramarine blue, alizarin crimson, yellow ochre and a white. They are my foundation. In addition, I would have a sap green which was strictly used to mix with the red and/or blue to make neutrals or a black.

When I began exploring the bleeding vessels paintings, I stopped using sap green and instead switched to burnt umber.

Small piles of cad red and cad yellow may end up on the palette, but only when I feel a little more color punch is needed. The cadmium red is being used more frequently with these new paintings. And...at times a very wee bit of pthalo blue will be squeezed out. It is so intense that very little goes a long way and when sparingly mixed with other colors, gives me something luscious.

I have a tube of cobalt blue that was purchased almost a year ago because I wanted a more middle of the road blue and one that wasn't as transparent as the ultramarine. But for some unknown reason, it's never been used.

For a short spell, back in school, I'd purchase a cad orange, violet and various greens. Also mars red, cerulean blue and rose madder. But I stopped using them because I truly get off on seeing what colors can be mixed from my basic palette. It feeds my "less is more" tendencies.

The trick is remembering what I mixed so it can be replicated. Once in a while some of my best colors have come from accidents...just mixing and then mixing again. I'll love it and sadly have no idea how to duplicate it.

It is definitely one of my greatest painting challenges...creating light and space and have the colors dancing together. Always a mystery. When it happens, I am humbled and feel quite blessed.

There is something very magical for me in working with color. It may sound like an odd statement considering this entry begins with a b&w photo and ends with these two b&w drawings that I fell in love with yesterday but again, like everything in life, context is key.


And here is this week's Freewill Astrology.

What I thought would be a slower and easier work week has turned into immense zaniness. Yesterday was an 11.5 hour day at the computer, manipulating data. When I got home, I couldn't do anything but crash in my chair and then in bed by 8 pm. There will be very little studio time this week.

I look forward to returning to the bottles...little communities depicting various relationships. An ongoing exploration of power dynamics.

At this rate, I don't foresee any studio time until Saturday.


p.s. That wall in the back? That's my new 2nd wall from my rental expansion. It doubled the workspace to 400 square feet. two windows and two big walls.

Ogunquit

Still working through some photos from my road trip day as well as the ocean visit (as you can see from yesterday's entry).

Rain has been falling pretty much nonstop for a few days. It changes from heavy pellets to soft mist. This morning the cloud ceiling is exceptionally low creating dark air.

There's a party and before that an open studio that I've been looking forward to attending. Hopefully I'll paint at some point but because my resting days were filled with stressful work stuff, energy is still depleted. The little I've done in the studio is pretty much utter crap. Ideas abound but execution is harsh.

It's one of the low cycles of my creative process. The most challenging part of it is to not see myself as a painting failure during this time yet remember that it's winter in my garden. Regardless of what appears on canvas, practice is important.

Sedna...

Yesterday afternoon we completed 4 full retreat days. It was very good and exciting because brainstorming seeds from these events tend to sprout new directions and programming ideas.

I'm seriously fried and am taking the remainder of this week off for some flex time minus the 3 hours or so each morning I need to pull reports and finish projects. Other than that, I'm resting lots, slowly reconnecting with a few friends and today, reintroducing myself to my studio.

On top of it, this weekend is getting booked. Lots to juggle. Next week looks hopeful in returning to a more manageable schedule which will include my regular painting discipline.

Today is a gorgeous day where the skies go dark and pour heavy rains, to then switch in a blink to an amazing sunlight and then return to showers. Much variety and the light is beautiful.